What do we do with the grudges we hold? What are they? Grudges hurt us and the other people that experience us holding this grudge. If we feel into our heart, it feels like a swollen, hard heart that cannot be resolved and softened. We feel agitated, can’t concentrate, can’t relax or sleep. If we push the grudge down deep so that we don’t feel it, the resentment and anger can creep into our everyday lives in ways we do not expect. We can lose focus, fly off the handle, or suffer with low-grade depression. We are told to forgive and that it’s not good for us to hold this in our bodies. But how???

Let’s imagine that a grudge is anger and anger is born of loss. (such as a disappointment, a misunderstanding…) Loss is the experience under anger. If I let go of the anger, maybe it means the loss goes unacknowledged. There is a basic human need to be acknowledged. So maybe our work is to acknowledge this loss (or have someone else acknowledge this loss, if possible). Each loss deserves a kind, compassionate recognition, acceptance, appreciation, and even tribute.

I see a gravestone with a bright sunflower to mark the loss and help us mourn so that we do not have to carry the grief in our heart.

Most people don’t think to ask that question…

You might not realize that you are making decisions now with your thoughts and behaviors that determine the course of your relationship! Passionate, fulfilled or angry, disconnected — You are choosing that by your day-to-day interactions.

As a relationship therapist for over 25 years, one of my biggest heartaches is that people come to a relationship therapist when the pain and the suffering of their relationship is unbearable and a lot of fighting or disconnect sets in. When a person has been hurt or angry for too long, the thoughts of leaving are prevalent and an affair can happen and/or depression or hopelessness set in. The relationship is still repairable for some, but it takes a lot more pain and time to make things right, not to mention the emotional and financial cost to your family. Hopelessness becomes a large added obstacle to finding your way back to one another.

I believe most people are trying to do their best! Many are using many good relationship skills, but despite their best intentions, people get emotionally reactive and don’t know how to communicate. You may be listening to your partner without fully being present so miscommunication and misunderstanding happens and misery ensues. Old unconscious patterns influence us to act in ways that we don’t even realize that there are other choices.

My biggest plea to you, from my heart to yours, is DON’T WAIT!!!

You know that waiting to fix your car, or go to the dentist can have more expensive consequences and that you are left with less choices. Having someone to share your life with is too precious to lose!

Contact Today